16 March 2011

Sometimes I Want To Quit

I'm 75% complete with  my degree program. While I'm just a step away from graduation, I get the urge to quit. For instance, I had a hard time tonight with a programming project. I turned one in that clearly had an error that I couldn't figure out. The other program flat out didn't work so I didn't turn it in. I should probably turn it in for some credit. Some credit is better than no credit. As I'm ready to cry over these projects I wonder if this is really what I want to do. I work my ass off, but it doesn't seem to be enough. I'm not good at math, and I clearly don't have a talent for programming. My foreign language program was cut at my school, leaving me with a ton of options that really don't please me whatsoever.

The Japanese language is my passion. My school, unfortunately, doesn't offer a program for that. I have to mull my way through a program I don't like just to get my A.A. degree so I can move on to my B.A. somewhere else, doing something I'll like. It's getting monotonous and I'm bored to tears. I'm also very frustrated with myself, wondering why I cannot seem to get through these classes that I once had so much passion for. I don't feel like I've got anything to work for anymore, no goal. When I started all of this, with the encouragement of a dear friend, that was my motivation. He cheered me on and it helped me suffer through this shit so I could look forward to doing something I wanted to.

Now that encouragement isn't there. I miss the talks we used to have, and how they used to motivate me to be a better person. I don't have that motivation there anymore, and it's terrible. I feel lost.

I just really want to stop and reassess what I'm doing, and where I'm going. I'm just so damn depressed and no one in my family seems to understand.

3 comments:

  1. I think it gets easier to move forward when you have something done before, no matter it is interesting or not,as long as it is something you started with your own will. I am suffering a lot alone now because i didn't make things finished which once seemed meaningless to me. I regret a lot that i didn't finish it, feeling no motivation. My heart is full of regret and despair. I am having a hard time and it seems like you are in a similar situation with me. I have no responsibility with your life but i recommend you with my desperate tears to finish what you have once started. I am going to finish what i started even though i am now on the edge of giving up everything. This entry is old but i hope you are still fighting.
    By the way, it was nice of you to put the link in your old blog,so that i can keep my eyes on you LOL
    Ryo

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ryo - So glad to know you are well! I sent you an email after the earthquake and when I didn't hear from you I was afraid something had happened to you! Knowing you are alright eases my mind. I was really worried about you!

    I am struggling still, but not as frustrated. I still get depressed thinking I'll never finish. We will get there. It will suck, but we will. Just keep your eyes on the goal and keep going. This entry helped me get a lot of it out of my system, helped clear the air, so to speak.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sorry for not saying anything at all :o
    Yes, i saw the email! I was not able to use internet for months and actually saw it a while after the earthquake happened and sorry for taking time to reply until now.
    Anyway, thanks a lot for writing me!!^__^

    I don't see a radiant goal but only dark goals but i am happy to hear that you are still fighting. I will keep fighting thinking vonnie is fighting even harder!!

    ReplyDelete

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