20 April 2013

The Fat and the Furious

I think I have hit rock bottom wardrobe wise.

I have nothing in there, other than large t-shirts, that fit properly.

Even my jeans are snug to the point that they are uncomfortable.

So what did this tubby bitch do?

I bought leggings. Like six pairs of leggings. Since they can expand with my waistline.

For those of you who are unaware, I gained about 20lbs since I broke my ankle. I feel enormous, even though I'm barely 140lbs. This is the largest I've ever been, and I'm simply miserable.

To make matters worse, I'm starting to slip back into some of my old eating disorder habits, such as eating very lightly, if at all, and exercising until I nearly throw up.

The icing on the cake was my roomie telling me she likes the way I look, a bit pudgy. She told me last night that when I was my normal size (of about 110lbs, still big to me) I looked almost ana skinny. And I was absolutely nowhere near ana skinny. Been there, done that, earned the name Skeletor.

(She is a larger girl herself, so I'm not sure if she was being honest, or nice/nasty.)

All in all, I feel pretty terrible about myself right now. I haven't felt this way since I did have the eating disorder. I'm afraid that I will slip right back into old habits. As they say, old habits die hard, especially when it comes to ED. It's like it's always there, at the back of your mind, nagging you. "Don't eat that, you'll regret it." "Oh, you want to eat that piece of chicken? You must love thick thighs."

It doesn't end. It's a fight that I don't feel I'll ever win, both on the weight gain side and then on the battling the ED relapse side.

Let me be clear, telling someone with an ED to eat a sandwich isn't constructive. It's just going to make me mad.

I need to get this weight off the healthy way this time. I can't go back to how I was. I was sickly, too thin, and always cranky. I need to be healthy.

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